How to intentionally raise emotionally intelligent children
The space for children to communicate has to be a safe space, a judgement free zone.
(It’s ok if the space hasn’t been safe so far, we have the opportunity to change some things together)
There isn’t one book out there that can give you a play by play on what it takes to raise your children. God created us to be in relationship with him so that when the time comes we can get direct instructions from him on what we must do with the child He created. I gave birth to 3 daughters and I have been given the task to nurture these young women and I must be intentional with the work.
My children were not created to live out the dreams I have for them, they were gifted to me with their own purpose and destiny attached. My job is to guide them in the direction that will eventually lead them to walk in God’s purpose for their lives.
As parents we have the power to influence and rear an entire generation of people. Brutal honesty coming, I am tired of hearing parents complain about the generations after us as if we don’t play a major part in the outcome. All hope isn’t lost though, my faith is just that crazy. This next generation has already showed us that they will stand for what they believe in, so why not make it our top priority to properly guide and support them? The work from today moving forward has to be intentional. Let’s design.
How can I be intentional?
There is no real hard work required to parent with intent. In order to understand what truly goes on in my daughters minds I had to grasp the fact that at some point we were going to disappoint each other. Know that. Embrace that. It is human nature, something we can not avoid.
Have an open mind -
In order to have an open mind, my heart too had to be open to new perspectives and ideas. My daughters are always coming to me with questions about topics I had no clue they were interested in. Some of which I definitely give a side eye, but I don’t take every moment to teach them a lesson about what I already know. I become a student so I can fully absorb what it is they understand about the things they come to me about.
Self reflection
Not only am I a working mom, I’m also a traveling working mom. In order for there to be structure you actually have to be present and consistent. I am NOT consistent with my daughters when it comes to checking their rooms. I only fold laundry and do the dishes when I want to. There’s no way I’m about to go to work all day and come home to do chores when I have a house full of teenagers who is capable of doing their own laundry and washing the dishes they’ve messed up. Occasionally, I carry the burden for them when I see that they’ve had a stressful week at school due to all of the tests they have to take, but even then I explain to them that one day they will have to work and have responsibilities at their own homes so this is training.
I set the rules to clean up every Saturday and for some odd reason I trusted that my teenage daughters would just follow suit. The day I walked into their rooms to find empty candy wrappers and a very disheveled room I was PISSED for two reasons. My initial reaction was to direct all of my disappointment towards them because how the heck do you think it’s ok to just open something and not dispose of it? The disrespect was LOUD, but what if I flip it and be realistic. Not staying on top of them by regularly checking after they clean up contributes to the fact that they take shortcuts. If they know that I barely go into their rooms all they have to do is say they cleaned it and I’m off to do whatever it is I’m doing at the moment. Let me just be all the way transparent with you, some days I don’t want to go in their room because deep down I KNOW I’m going to spaz and my anxiety will be through the roof. Although that’s my truth, it’s unacceptable and part of the problem. Looking at myself first is key but I’m not always successful in that area because it’s easier to look elsewhere first. I am part of the problem, but gladly I’m a solution oriented person.
Proper communication -
I personally think I know everything so it was a major adjustment for me to receive new information from my daughters. What I can’t argue with is the fact that the most important element of communication is listening. Get in the dirt with them, have thought provoking conversations. Grow together. Learn together.
Problem solve together -
Anytime either of my children would come to me with a problem I instantly went into solve mode. My plan was to get to the solution as soon as possible, sometimes without them. The more I thought about the way I was handling their problems the more I realized I wasn’t effectively teaching them how to solve problems on their own. I’m a problem solver, that’s what I do, but is it always benefiting them? When they grow up and no longer have me to fully depend on will they know how to solve problems if I take over every time?
Remember, they are your kids but they are also human -
This may sound harsh but stay with me. It didn’t hit me that my daughters were tiny humans until about a year ago. Up until that point I looked at them as my baby girls that I needed to protect, guide, and teach. If they would complain about being tired I would quickly remind them that life is easy for them because they didn’t have to work and they had no real responsibilities. What could they have possibly been tired from? One day I asked my youngest daughter why they were so tired and her response was hilarious but I couldn’t ignore the truth in it. She told me “Mama, you do realize that we get up at the same time as you every single day, you drop us off at a building for eight hours with people we barely even know, and we are forced to use our brain all day. That is basically working eight hours a day. Why don’t we have the right to be tired?” She was absolutely right. We are all on the same schedule and I knew I had to shift something around because they were visibly exhausted. Their schools didn’t allot attendance days for mental health, so I took it upon myself to give it to them. Mental health days looked different for each child.
Intentional Discipline
About two years ago I decided to stop using corporal punishment as a way to discipline my daughters. Naturally, it wasn’t a popular decision but I wasn’t interested in what anyone had to say about it. Discipline is sacred to me as it can either make or break a child If there is NO REAL relationship with the child. The bible speaks about discipline but because I wasn’t always operating from a place of love, I missed the key ingredients. There’s one scripture I’ve heard my whole life as it relates to discipline, Ephesians 6 1-3. It says “Children obey your parents in the lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother- which is the first commandment with a promise-so that It may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” We normally just stopped there. The next verse reads “and you fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.” I didn’t feel like I was bringing my daughters up in the instruction of the Lord.
There is a disconnect as it relates to “Old School” discipline vs “New School discipline” and I won’t stop until I figure out how to bridge the gap. The wisdom of someone from my parents generation mixed with the evolution of my generation could be a powerful thing. In that, pride and stubbornness from both sides make it seemingly impossible to blend the two. Which one of us is going to bend?
Let’s talk it through: My answers to these questions change daily
Are you holding on to anything from your past that would feel good to release?
How do you feel about the discipline you received growing up?
Are you open to new concepts about discipline?
Does your disciplinary method line up with God’s word?
I am all for villages but there are a few things to consider when selecting your village. If you have found yourself in a situation where you are the only person that guides your child know you are not alone. You have to grow thick skin, you need to know that setting boundaries won’t always be popular with your family and friends. The one thing that used to bug me was worrying about what other people would have to say about the way I chose to mother my children. (Once I started to connect with my daughters and listen to their true issues I made it my mission to honor their wishes. (of course there’s always a limit because they are kids.They will test you) and that meant helping those around us learn to honor them as well. It wasn’t always a popular decision especially in a big family, but my daughters were happy and healthy. They are still going through the pre teen and teen blues, but overall they are thriving. It’s a daily fight to nurture their minds, but the mind is that important.
Make sure the village is in a good space either healing or healed before you allow them to assist you in raising your children. Traumas that aren’t properly healed can be projected on to your children by the “village”. I’m very careful who I let my daughters spend their time with because the energy they are around can affect them. Family, friends, whoever. Never be afraid to check anyone when it comes to your children. Many people have pure intentions but they aren’t aware of the damage they may cause unintentionally.
On this journey you have to be vigilant. Some days it’ll wear you down, but keep one thing in mind, it is worth it for your children in the long run. There will be times when you don’t make the best decision and someone will be there to judge you because for some reason trying to parent the healthy way means that there is no room for error. Push through that. Set boundaries and be gentle with yourself when you have a bad day.
God is the source and even when things look bad rest in the fact that he will sustain you always because he really loves you.
And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified he also glorified.
